rememberxixlovexyou

I told you I would let you know which girl won the game of hot potato, my heart being the potato. Two days before I wrote that last journal, I had spoken to Kate for the first time. I thought nothing of it. 

She had a girlfriend, you know. And she lives in Colorado, while I live in Chicago.

We spoke for a few months, she became my best friend. She and her girlfriend broke up. One night in late August, "I love you" threatened to fall from my lips.

On September 12th of 2014, her two friends and her pulled into my driveway after driving all night. She came to see me. She stood shaking in the darkness before sitting on the ground to have a cigarette. I was able to get a short hug just before she fell to nervousness. We kissed for the first time in the car. I want to make sure I don't forget when I kissed her ear and held her hand. I might want to forget that someday but not right now, and right now is forever. She was an amazing kisser. She had a panicked look on her face. We had sex and it was really good. I asked her for consent and she said nobody had ever asked her that before. I made sure to ask her every single time that followed.

I snuck her into my room the next night. She had on a cookie monster onesie. That is a detail I often forget.  Her and I made love and she orgasmed. It was very nice. She pulled down my pants and looked at me with love. She licked my pussy like she loved me. I held her like a baby, we slept with the light on.

That morning I told her I loved her. She said it back. We said goodbye in my kitchen and it hurt but I was so tough. I didn't know if I would ever see her again. It would be four months until I did.

In January we laid backwards, naked, in my bed and unwrapped Christmas presents. We slept and she woke me up crying, wondering if I only loved her from far away. Little does she know I am writing this journal right now, about how much I fucking loved her. I tickled her until she wheezed. I kissed her so much. Little does she know I love her from far away only because I can't have her close to me.

We would meet several more times, she would meet my family, I met hers, we spent Easter and my birthday together.

We made such beautiful love. If I could have bought her flowers that never died, I certainly would have. We had dirty sex and happy sex and moaning, loud sex and soft quiet sex and I have never felt closer to another human being. 

I said I love you every day for a very, very long time. 

It got really hard to watch her struggle to love herself. I was growing more and more in love. I wore her promise ring on my finger and dreams the distance between us would evaporate so that the promise ring might turn into a wedding ring. When she tried to kill herself the first time, I told her I couldn't watch that happen again. She would work, and then stop working, be okay and then get so low. She made so many promises of moving to Chicago and moving in with me. I had to see that I was apart of the reason she was having such a hard time progressing. We started fighting and the distance was growing, exceeding our usual thousand miles. 

We broke up. And in her sadness and self destruction and pain, she fucked another girl, and a picture of them holding one another made it onto facebook. I saw it one of the many nights she begged for me back.

I was trying to save her. I was trying to save myself. Our love was so beautiful and so very impossible. She is so unhealthy. And she is hurting herself and hurting me. 

She dyed her hair pink and I like the way it matches her brain.

I want her to get healthy and come back and fufil all her promises. I am learning that while I want that, it is up to her to learn to love herself as I love her, because no matter how I tried I cannot give her that. I fucking love that girl so fucking much. She is my angel. I just hope and pray that she can find the inspiration in herself and us and me and the world to keep her beautiful little feet on the ground. She broke my heart and I am so angry but I love her. I love her. I can't stop loving her. I don't want to stop. I want to kiss her wounds and protect her from herself and destroy the distance between us and replace it with trust and love. 

I want her back, but more than anything I want her to be happy and healthy. If my universe broke in half she would flow into me like water flowing into a sinking ship. I am heavy with love for my Kate.

So my summer vacation has so far consisted primarily of Ayn Rand's droll ideas of objectivism, late night rides in my best friend's van, and offering my heart to any girl who will take it. I'm thoroughly enjoying the ability to stay up till 5AM, talking to interesting people who meet my mouth like cigarettes, offering generally forgettable conversation and flirtation that provides temporary relief from the stress of everyday life. These new friendships are nice. It's nice to be able to invest in people and change your mind and be heart broken and date one girl and then another and sleep all day because nothing important is happening. Since the breakup, I've felt a rejuvenating sense of freedom. I feel like my time is mine now, and much less bargained and planned, which makes the quality wasted time - watching Friends reruns, going for bike rides, spending the day downtown - of more worth. It's interesting and vaguely devastating to realize that this is my last summer vacation, as I will be a senior next year, and after that I will head to college and get a real job. I've been thinking about what I'm going to do with my life. I think of the happiness I have talking with strangers and unplanned trips and meeting new people and I'm scared that a career and a wife and kids and life will sink me to the bottom of the sea, like an anchor. 

I'll let you know which one of the girls playing hot potato with my heart wins. I'll let you know if I become an adult or go rouge Peter Pan. Maybe I should join a circus. I'm pretty okay with my lack of commitment to anything lately. It's nice.

I'm not even committed enough to anything to finish this sen

was fantastic. Hook me up with them photos.

So I still hate the bus but it's not a far walk to my theatre from the train. David Schwimmer needs to shave. I am on wardrobe and the youngest member of the entire crew. It's very exciting.

Tomorrow is my first day working at the Lookingglass theatre and I am so nervous because I have to take a bus and I've never taken the bus before how will I know when to get off and what if I end up in some crazy ass place how do I even get on a bus I don't understand I am so fucking nervous and it's David Schwimmer's show so I might meet Ross from Friends and what if I say something stupid to Ross from Friends I am so scared.

Any words of advice?